Greetings dear readers. I hope you had a wonderful holiday season and found some pretties under your Christmas tree. I decided to give the keyboard a vacation and spent time with my wonderful wife. But fair warning – I’m baaack!
This will be the final installment in my “Onboard” series. You can read the others, in order, starting with Getting the Wife Onboard here Getting the Wife Onboard: Part II here and Beyond Getting the Wife Onboard – Coming out to Others here.
Today I’d like to talk about getting yourself onboard. I have read a lot of discussions here at XDress and also on other sites, and I find there is a great variance in the level of acceptance we have of ourselves as crossdressers.
First, let’s take a look at who we are, demographically speaking. It is hard to get reliable statistics on who we are, due to how secretive we are, by necessity. Without a doubt, we are the most private and secretive subgroup in the population, due to the general population’s intolerance of men who like to dress like women. I would say “and also women who like to dress like men” but they already dress like men with full societal acceptance! The most reliable statistics I have found indicate that we represent between 3-5% of the general population, with 50% of all men having tried on female apparel at least once in their lives. We are, in the majority, straight and in a heterosexual relationship, with 3% of us being gay, which is representative of the general population as well.
There is an old joke: Q: What is the difference between crossdressers and transsexuals? A: About 5 years. This is a misnomer, as cross-dressing and transsexualism are very different. When I say “crossdresser” I am talking about men who present as male to the general public, but have an inner sense of also being female, and dressing accordingly when time and circumstance allow.
There is a wide range of self-acceptance, from those who feel a tugging to express inner femininity but are afraid of it, to those who fully accept the inner femme and express it in clothing, jewelry, and makeup when possible. How onboard are you with your inner femme? If you are not fully on board with her, what prevents that? The possible answers to this are so numerous. It can come from your family of origin, where men are men and women are women and nothing in between. It can be from society in general which, while getting a bit more gender-fluid these days, still draws a pretty sharp line between men and women. It can come from your significant other. As a side note, I have a couple of on-line friends who have lost their families because of their desire to crossdress and express that feminine part of who they are. It can also come from a fear of yourself – if I truly embrace my inner femme, what will happen to me? What will I become?
Many of us, in our early exploration of our inner femme, went through cycles of purchasing panties, or hose, or bras, only to purge them when our guilt became too great. The purchase/purge cycle will be familiar to many of you. I personally went through two purge cycles, pronouncing myself a diagnosable pervert, until I realized this has nothing to do with sexuality. It has to do with a sense of who you truly are. True, we are all sexual beings, but the identity of self is a much larger issue. If you enjoy wearing pretty panties under your male outerwear because it makes you feel more in balance with who you are, that isn’t sexuality – its mental health!
I am one of the fortunate ones who have a wife who is fully on board with my feminine side, and our marriage has benefitted greatly from that, as well as my sense of well-being. Others are not so fortunate, and that saddens me. So, where are you in this broad range of self-acceptance; ranging from terrified of your desire to wear a pair of panties to complete acceptance of your inner woman? If you struggle with complete acceptance of yourself, what are the barriers to that acceptance? Get those keyboards warmed up. You know I love to hear your thoughts and stories. Oh, and happy New Year!!!
Fond regards,
Angie
25 comments
First, this blog is so well written Angie. It was great to read.
I haven’t written in awhile and that has coincided with my on again, off again fear of wearing panties. I’m past the purges, having gone through 2 or 3 over the years, and accepted this as part of me.
I’m stuck in the stage that you talked about. I’m not sure what it means if I wear panties on the regular and I’m scared in large part of the potential condemnation I could receive from coworkers, friends, and God. I don’t for any second condemn any in whatever lifestyle they choose, I just have this internal voice that tells me I’m wrong if I like it. I’ve prayed and talked with my wife at length and reached a sense that it’s okay and yet still that voice remains. I’m not sure if it is that I wonder how far it goes, as you say, or if it is something else. I’m slowly working to defeat it because I really want to be free to wear what I want.
It’s been stressful and I appreciate the support I’ve found from my wife and this blog.
Hoping for all to find their own acceptance,
G
It took me a long time to even get myself onboard. I know almost all my family will never be on board as well as many of my peers. But over 5 years ago is when everything came to a head with myself. I’d purged for what seemed like the millionth time and told myself I just need to tough it out and it’ll go away. As usual I went for a while and thought maybe I had finally gotten past this. But then it happened. Sometimes it’s a beautiful dress, sometimes its a gorgeous skirt, it could be a pair of cute shoes or pretty panties and this time it had been some pretty panties that got to me. Once again I started the internal struggle and abuse until I just had to look myself in the mirror and just get real with myself. I was tired of beating myself up over wanting to express my femme self and told myself that if I bought those panties, there’s no turning back and that I needed to figure out what this was and just accept it as a part of me, if only just for self acceptance. One of the best decisions I ever made. It took a LOT in me to even tell a few friends I was pretty sure would accept this about me as well cause if any word got back to my family, it will get ugly. But since I live alone and I’m away from all of my family, I dress up at home to my hearts content and still trying to muster up the strength to get out dressed more.
Thanks Angie for this great post!
I came out as gender-fluid a few years ago. It was rough in the beginning, wondering what it was all about and why was it happening to me. Anyway, I did some personal research and along the way I found XDress. It was like a light went on! A beautiful light that changed everything! The first clothes that I bought from XDress helped me to not only realize who I truly am, but also helped me to feel comfortable in my own skin as I began on my journey to self-acceptance. Since that time I’ve embraced my inner femme, experimenting with make-up, nail polish and other things to help me feel…pretty. ;) I’ve told all of my friends about my gender identity and most of them have been very accepting. My partner was the first person I told. While he has been accepting, he still struggles with it sometimes, and has ZERO desire to see me in my sexy XDress lingerie. In the end, I’m ok with that. My wearing lingerie is about me and how I see and feel about myself. I feel a balance in my life that I didn’t have before. Thank you XDress for helping me with that.
Mx M.
For me, cross dressing is highly sexual although I understand it is different for others. My experience is that there is a wide range of reasons for cross dressing, but it is all good as long as we are not harming ourselves nor others. I love that male celebrity that has taken to wearing tasteful dresses to public events. That helps push the boundary toward more acceptance in society.
I haven’t told wife I’m still hiding the fact I like to dress like a woman but its work in progress especially with makeup n breast. Any thoughts in How to break it to her softly