In order to get the context of this article, it would be helpful to you to read the first installment. You can read it here. Go ahead and read it - I’ll wait. (Crickets, crickets.) Okay, so off we go.
So you’ve had The Talk or some version of it with your wife and she knows you like to cross dress. As an aside, I’ll be using the term, “wife” in this article for the sake of brevity. You can substitute whatever word works for you. I don’t mean to exclude anyone from this discourse. So your wife knows you like the finer things of women’s clothing and is onboard with you. Where do you go from here? That is what this article is all about.
First, “onboard” covers a wide range of acceptance, from accepting your crossdressing only when she or you are away from home to full acceptance of daily crossdressing in full femme attire. Also, your sense of the level of crossdressing that fits you can cover a wide range as well, from the occasional pair of panties, to dressing every day in lingerie, skirts, and blouses. Recognizing the very broad and fascinating range that crossdressing can cover, let’s consider a few things.
First, and foremost, successful crossdressing is about honesty and relationship. That honesty and relationship is two-dimensional. The first dimension is relationship with yourself; what does crossdressing mean to you? Why do you do it? What motivates you to come to Xdress and read this blog, as well as look at the beautiful lingerie here? What drives you? Start with honesty with yourself.
The second dimension is your relationship with your wife. I can’t emphasize enough that being successful in your relationship with your wife is all about communication. This is true of any relationship, be it straight, gay, or Martian. As you become self-aware, you will be much better equipped to communicate with your wife, who has every right to know these things. Remember: what you have chosen affects her life as well. Kindness, respect and honesty are the three golden rules of communication with her (as they are in any civilized society).
As I mentioned in my first article, “Getting the Wife Onboard” (you did read it, didn’t you – Scouts honor?), most wives fear two things: 1) are you gay? and 2) do you want to be a woman? For the great majority of us, the answers, in order, are “no” and “no”. (Don’t get the order of the answers mixed up….sorry, just yanking your chain.) I think the best description I’ve heard of the difference between being gay and being transgender (meaning across genders) is that being gay has to do with who you want to go to bed with. Being transgender (crossdressing) has to do with who you want to go to bed as. I can tell you I go to bed as Angie every night, thanks to my wonderful wife, who has purchased most of my nightgowns. Be sure your wife understands the difference.
Okay, enough of the basics. Let’s assume your wife is onboard with your inner femme. Where do you go, further down the road?
I can tell you that my marriage has never been better than it is now, and I’ve been married to my wonderful wife for over two decades. Our marriage truly took off in a positive direction when I fully owned and she fully accepted my sense of my broader and feminine self. A number of things happened that I want to share with you that may help you in your journey into this fascinating world of the gender fluid.
First, I took on a slogan: “If I’m going to dress like a girl, I’m going to work like a girl.” That means I fully share in the housekeeping and cooking. I’ll tell you that I am a totally incompetent cook, but my wife is a great one. She assigned me the role of sous chef, meaning gofer and dish washer. Hey – I’m fine with that, as long as I’m in dressed en femme. She even hugs me once in a while and, shameless thing that she is, snaps my bra strap. What a hussy!
Secondly, enjoy shopping. Your wife has a new girlfriend. Go for it! You have the perfect partner (and cover) to find all kinds of girly clothing in the brick and mortar shops. My wife will see something and say, “Do you think your Aunt Angie would like this?” if a sales associate is in the vicinity. Otherwise it is “Oh Angie, look at this!” When your wife picks out blouses, skirts, panties, and bras for you? Pure gold! The other really fun thing is to go online and shop together. Xdress and Body Aware are great places to go. Their lingerie is exquisite. They also have his and hers lingerie, which is a total blast. When your wife is willing to have you underdress as she does, you are home free!
Don’t forget to go to the nail salon with your wife and have manicures and pedicures. While you are at it, purchase a gift certificate for her for some nail care and maybe a facial (lady’s love gift certificates in their Christmas stocking).
One thing I want to add. As you go further down the road in this wonderful exploration of who you really are, never, but never forget to celebrate your wife’s femininity. It is the core of who she is, and you should always make sure she knows that, while you love the lingerie of Xdress and Body aware, and the skirts and blouse in the brick and mortar stores, she has not lost the man that will cherish and protect her. As I said in the previous blog (you did read it, didn’t you?) make sure she knows she hasn’t lost her man – she’s gained a girlfriend. Now, get out there and have some fun!
Angie, XD Guest Blogger
It is a tough situation but even though it is scary, I recommend being honest with your SO from the start. If she isn’t into it, don’t spend too much time trying to convince. She will come around or you will move on but don’t let them change you. If you “promise” not to wear panties again, I promise you that the urge to wear them will resurface and it will be hard to resist! Hard to resist because your mind is wired to remember the awesome feeling of satin on your skin. Embrace it, be honest and stay true to yourself. Relationships are about being vulnerable and remember your SO is also vulnerable too.
She has bought me panties, and tolerates when I don’t call them manties. She sometimes calls them panties, which of course they are. Still hiding my lacy things from her, but I’m hopeful.
A bff that also wears and two wives on board
My wife called me out several years ago, when confided in her BFF, well her friend is the spouse of my BFF, and her friend showed her a panty drawer, my said ya so you have some nice things, she said they’re not mine they’re Tim’s, now just yesterday we went shopping but this time we bought more than just panties and lingerie, I am kinda letting her dictate the speed of progression, with some subtle hints from me, I am truly blessed to have such an understanding spouse.
The fact that your wife has bought you panties is a hopeful sign. In this blog, I mentioned that one of the fears that wives might have is that they will lose their man if he crossdresses. I’ve heard this from a number of men in other forums, so I suspect it is a common concern for wives. There are some wives that absolutely will not accept any crossdressing by their husbands. Your wife doesn’t seem to fit this role, as she has given you panties in the past. Be patient with her and don’t push too hard. Also, assure her in whatever ways you can that you are as much a man in panties as you are in boxers (if you can stand to wear the dreadful things).
My wife is not on board or too excited about my love for wearing lingerie. I have showed her, she has bought me panties, I now wear in private in the bedroom but she says she wants a man. I can’t stop now, too many years of having my fun. I have tried to get her to change, I won’t stop trying but not too sure.
Hi again Steff,
I’m so glad you don’t have to hide your panties and bras. That is a really big graduation. I remember well the first day I was able to wear a bra openly in front of my wife. That was a really freeing experience.She picked out my second bra in a brick and mortar store. Good day, to say the least. I’m now in panties and bra every day. I’m glad your wife is onboard with you. As we’ve chatted before, give her time, and let her adjust. You have a great wife, and things will only get better with her onboard with you!
No worries hope it eas a great trip
I dont push the heels
I m happy I could tell her and she didn’t divorce
I m happy where we are and I m not going to be greedy about it
My lingerie is now in my regular dresser and i dint have to hide my panties and bras anymore
Hi Steff, sorry for the belated response. My wife and I were on vacation, but I’m baaack!
Your recommendation of Peggy Rudd’s book, “Crossdressing With Dignity” is an excellent suggestion. It is basically a book for newby crossdressers and can be very helpful to their spouses as well. She has a number of other books as well, and I can fully recommend them. She is particularly helpful to the spouses of CD’s. As far as your heels and nightgowns, give your dear lady a little time. Our wives need to have time and space to adjust to this “new husband” they have.
Brandy, I agree with Steff that a support group might be helpful to you, as far as going out in public. I don’t know where you live, or the culture of your area. This figures in greatly, as far as outing yourself. Also, your comportment en femme is very important. If you just look like a linebacker in a dress, it likely won’t go well for you. Be careful, dear sister, and the best of luck to you!
What an awesome thing to be able to share
It builds intimacy
The first step is the hardest
Are there any local support groups where u coukd start dressing
My wife discovered my dressing and was very enthusiastic about it. She loves being my GF when we do nails and such. Now that I am retired I spend about 80% of my time as a woman. If I come out wearing men’s clothes she wonders if I am not feeling well.. She says I am very passable and encourages me that we should go out with me dressed. How do I find the courage?
Hi Angie, you are right it is a rush. The first time a lady besides my wife asked me I was quite excited by the request. Every time I have been asked I was excited to be honest. Obviously she had to now tell me her bra size and show me a few examples of what she liked. My wife had no objections and probably liked seeing her hubby as one of the gurls knowing full well I loved it.
Ahhh! Going further! I think I am as far as she is willing to go with this and I’m fine with where I am. Well maybe not. I d like to be at least able to wear my heels in the house and some of my lingerie to bed. But overall she knows and at least I dont have to hide my clothes
I recommend all read crossdressing with dignity
Again Angie great blog
Thank you all for such kind and helpful comments. Keri and Michelle, we have some great wives, don’t we? Both of you understand very well the idea of letting the wife lead the way, in terms of what is acceptable. I really think that is a matter of proper respect for her. Keri, I would love to have ladies seek out my consultation on the right bra. What a rush that would be! Bruce, thanks for your kind wishes. You all are the best kind of sisters to have!
HONESTY and faithfulness are very important in our relationship also .Happy birthday,you old doll.
I have a similar relationship with my wife as Keri does. She is happy for me to wear lingerie hidden under my clothes to work or out to dinner etc. However, a skirt and blouse or a dress is only for “us” time. She does however allow me to wear nice nighties as long as they are not too girly. I have some very pretty summer ones and some long warm winter ones ( one with small pink flowers on it. very daring).
When we are having sex i can dress up to my hearts content in lingerie. My current favourite is a lacy purple g-string and a purple bra to match with DD cups and inserts to match. Some 6 inch heels and thigh high stockings complete the ensemble. It drives the wife wild! I hope we can get a bit more adventurous when we go away this October on a cruise. No-one will know her or me so she can relax and let me dress the way I want to I hope.
I love your Blog Angie.
Iike the story my gf wants me to dress the way I want.to when I want. Thank you
You mentioned your wife has a new girlfriend aka husband. That struck a cord with me as that is exactly what I believe my wife realizes she has. I can’t say exactly when that realization came to be but it has been at least several years. It began long after her acceptance of my wearing panties and some other feminine attire. One day while shopping at a Dillard’s semi annual bra sale she asked me to help find her a bra in the exploding pile of bras they had out on tables. She said, “you like bras so why not”. She didn’t have to ask twice. I immediately was in the bra bins looking for what she likes and her size. It doesn’t happen often but I have been asked by other ladies to help them as well. With my wife’s approval of course. All of a sudden I am one of the girls. We have done this several times over the years. I love it. I love shopping in lingerie anyway. What gurl doesn’t? I also love shopping for dresses, skirts, blouses, makeup and anything feminine. Having a wife bring you along is such a bonus. Now so as not to mislead. My wife does not want me crossdressing. She has to more or less initiate and approve of anything fem that I buy and wear. Hence the shorts, tops, peds, sneakers, jackets, and even purses are all approved firsthand. All of these things look unisex enough so as not to cause alarm. As I may have mentioned before she loves me in pastels as I have white hair so pinks, purples and other typically feminine colors are all okay under the rules. I don’t think I could ever get away with bras or wearing skirts and dresses. BUT, I do get the girlfriend thing.
I may have also previously mentioned how nice it is to have a girlfriend. Like in a gurl like us let’s say. We have shopped and actually bought panties, bras, slips and nightgowns for ourselves and where applicable each other. Very exciting I must say and really gurly fun. Yes, there is a certain awkwardness but it is fading. Why shouldn’t it. Girls shop for men’s things all the time. Why not the other way around.
Great Blog Angie.