- Don’t “accidentally” leave a picture on your phone or computer for her to discover.
- Don’t surprise her by being fully dressed in skirt and blouse.
- Don’t ambush her by taking her to a counselor where you reveal your feminine self.
Your attitude should be one of care and respect. This is going to affect her life as well as yours. The first things you may need to assure her of are that you do not want to switch sexual preferences and that you are still her husband/partner and intend to remain genetically male. These are the most common fears women have when becoming aware of their man’s feminine side. In other words, they are afraid of losing their man. Hopefully you know your wife well enough to have some sense of how she will react. Some women would rather leave the relationship than see her man in a pair of panties. If this is your sense of who she is, you might want to speak to a qualified therapist first. There are those women who will never accept your cross dressing, period. Other women approach it with interest and curiosity. Hopefully your lady is one of these.
Before having “The Talk” be sure you are clear with yourself on what cross dressing means to you. Why do you do it? She’s going to ask, so be prepared. Don’t be defensive – you are simply sharing a part of yourself that she didn’t know existed. Actually, she probably sort of did, but didn’t know where it was coming from – your sensitivity, caring, nurturing. All these things that can make a marriage/relationship so wonderful have been coming from your feminine self. The panties are just an outward expression of these gifts you bring to the relationship. If she wants more information on cross dressing, there are some very good sites on the internet tailored to the spouse of a cross dresser. As with all things, there are also some bad ones. There are also some sites that can be helpful to you in preparing for The Talk.
Importantly, once you have revealed your feminine self, go slow with what you wear. Start conservatively, as you want her to accept you, not be shocked by you. At least initially, avoid the more edgy lingerie. You need to give her time to accept this new you – at least new to her. Xdress has some conservative, but very attractive panties, such as the Satin High Waist Tricot Panty. Also, you might look at the Invisible Pleasure Brief and the Glistening Satin & Lace panty. The Glistening Satin & Lace Panty also has a matching camisole that is very attractive.
Lastly, be sure to show her what fun it can be being married to a cross dresser – the shopping, the chick flicks, the girlfriend nights doing each other’s nails. Help her understand that she isn’t losing her man – she’s gaining a girlfriend!
Angie, Guest Blogger
I really wish my spouse was more understanding. It took quite a bit for to reveal myself to her and she basically told me if I wanted crossdress to leave! I was devastated and humiliated. At loss for any words!
I love to wear all womens clothing and i can even walk in highheels for an extended amount of time and i just need to figure out what to use for a breast form
I wish I was doing better. We’ve been together 16 years but married 6. In the beginning I learned he was bi. I few years in he started getting interested in crossdressing. I was ok as each thing came in to play I adjusted. Then it became a constant need and I got left behind. Over time I grew bitter learning he was posting himself online and talking to men and lying to me. I failed to mention as our relationship grew I made I feelings known that I wouldn’t be ok with him being with anyone else. I want to only have a one on one relationship. Time passed us going back and forth him saying he was ok with it but lying the whole time. We have always had an adventurous bedroom life, not to say to much. He’s purged many times. Starting over many times. This last time ( were in now ) he’s been honest about starting up again but I find it hard and hurtful this time as I fear he will go back down the other road. I want to trust and enjoy him and I want both sides of him.
It is all so crazy. My wife was introduced to me as a female and then the next 12 times we met I was presented as a female. It was on the 13th meeting when I felt I could have feelings for her other than a friend that I told her I was actually a male to female cross dresser. She at first did not believe me but finally we went into the ladies room and I raised my skirt just enough after I warned her I was wearing very sheer panties and she was surprised.
We went out several times and she came to my house before she ever saw me not dress in female clothing which is rare since I pretty much live and dress as a woman like maybe 80% of the time. My eye brows are arched and both toe and finger nails shaped as a females I spend 4 years on facial electrolysis to remove my light beard. I am lucky that I am a natural blonde with fine hair never much of a beard or any chest hair and I am only 5’6" tall and slight built so wanting to present as a female is much easier for me.
I began a light regiment of SRS about 5 years ago just enough to help me present more female but not enough to get rid of my sexual arousal. So basically I look like a feminine male not a masculine female. I present better female than male is the bottom line and which is my goal. Any way she knew all this and on rare occasion I would go into my box at the bottom of the closet and pull out a pair of jeans and shirt and with a baseball cap and glasses I pretty much looked gay but passable as a sort of male. enough for her to be happy me meeting her parents and family. She had to bring them in to my life style very slowly. Now from day one she knew my long range goal was to live as a woman 100% and as time went on I became more and more into being a female in my dress and actions and looks. But she did not want me to wear a wedding dress on our wedding day which to me was like crazy. I feel I am sort of a woman and was going to wear a very full traditional wedding gown on my wedding day.
Wayne, you are very fortunate to have the lady you have. It is so freeing to have a significant other that supports you in exploring your feminine self. Having a wife like yours, I consider myself a very lucky gurl. Steff: I love your idea of a National Men’s Salon Day. Now, how do we get that started?
WOW did I get lucky. I never had to have “the talk”. I never really was serious about dressing until a few years ago. I would sneak around and try panties here and there with my first wife but never serious. We divorce and I met my current wife I did a time or two then something wonderful happened. I was asked to be in a womanless beauty pageant. So as she and I were working out my costumes she revealed to me she date someone that dressed before. She was clearly comfortable with it so I progressed from just panties to her things. Now I buy my own.
I always love your commentary
You are probably correct on the gender fluid part. I meant more I have no desire to transition. As for the pedicure it was the closest we ve ever been. When I go alone no one even blinks they enjoy me coming
I d love to see a national day for mens nail polish with the salons catering to men who love nail polish
Thanks again for a tremendous blog
Hello dear Steff,
You wife allows panties, bra, and polish on your toenails? You are well down the road with your lady, dear sister. Isn’t a trip to the salon for a pedicure, complete with toenail polish, and absolute rush? I love going with my wife to the salon. We settled on a frost pink for my toes. Goes will with my skin coloring. The cool thing is the nail tech doesn’t blink and eye, and I’ve had lovely conversations with ladies seated next to me in the salon chair about favorite colors. I’m glad you understand the importance of going at your wife’s pace, not your own. It’s all about respect – allowing her time to adjust. As far as your comment about being “a little bit gender fluid” sweetie, you aren’t a “little bit gender fluid.” You’re a lot gender fluid, so enjoy it!
Wow telling the wife i told her out of necessity it wasn’t goid but not as bad as I thought
Had to go to counseling
That helped her understand
She told me later that she did my Laundry and saw some if mu underwear that looked different (jockey no panty line promise in black )
But never said anything
So anyway she indulges me a little during private time and at leadt she knows i wear panties bras ladies jeans
Nail polish on my toes ( she evev scheduled a couples pedi and pucked a dark red for me)
So its going ok I always tell myself not too fast
I m a hetero cdressing male with a strong fetish for crossdressing and consider myself a little bit gender fluid
David M, you are so on the mark! You understand that you have to give your wife time to adjust to this “paradigm” as you so excellently put it. It is indeed a shift in paradigm is it not? To love the finery of silk, satin, and lace, and yet to be fully a man to your woman’s needs? That’s a hard one to understand, but you obviously do. I wish you and your good lady the best as you continue to explore this fuller sense of who you are. Your wife may not be completely on board yet, but give the dear lady some time to adjust. The paradigm, as you so wisely call it, is a big shift, and it may require a bit of time for her to come along with you.
A hugely difficult problem. Generally a woman doesn’t want to see her MAN looking like a woman. I am lucky. I have a wife who doesn’t mind me wearing knickers every day and dressing up now and then . It has taken a long time to get there and I think that is part of the solution. I didn’t rush into it.
It’s about the Timing. I told my wife one day when we had been having good sex and we felt good about each other. I just blurted it out and said " Look, i have a thing for wearing female clothes! But not all the time and I don’t wanna be a woman. It’s just a bit of fun and immensely enjoyable for me."
She laughed like hell ! She doesn’t completely endorse it. But She knows that it gives me great pleasure like any other good hobby or pastime. I am always there for her whatever she needs. If she asks me to stay up all night doing the house chores, I would. I never question her. She only ever asks for help. It is far better than being a drunkard for instance!
Over a long period of time I now have a wardrobe that has more knickers, dresses, bras, skirts etc than you can count. The thing is, it is just a bit of fun and you have to prove that you are still a man for her! The truth is that transvestites live in a horrible paradigm. They love women and make exceptionally good lovers and parents. I know, I have four wonderful children and a lovely wife. BUT I am lucky. ( I have made some of that luck).
Keri, thank you so much for your reply. I do believe we are sisters under the skin! Don’t you love those VF nightgowns? My wife bought me three last year as an I love You surprise. If you are finding VF panties for three and four dollars, go for it! I’ve not found any that cheap. They do wear well, and are very pretty – especially with the lace side panels. Like you, my favorite color is pink, however lavender is a close second – especially with camis and bras. Your wife might be freaking out about straps being visible, but it’s all about the shirt you wear over them. Xdress and Body Aware offer some really great camis and bras. My very favorite cami is the Glistening Satin. Fits like a glove and with the right shirt, no problem. Be sure to explore their bras as well. As I said in the original blog posting, slow is best. Go to Xdress or Body Aware with your lady and let her shop with you. Don’t surprise her by just showing up in a cami or bra (or both). Let her be a part of the adventure with you.
As far as shaving legs and underarms (I refuse to refer to them as “arm pits” – so gross) you might want to consider letting the hair grow out a minimum of 1/4 inch and then have a waxing. Waxing usually hold for about 6 months when you first begin. Waxing leaves your skin incredibly smooth. Does it hurt? Heck yeah it hurts! Take some ibuprofen before you go in. Most estheticians (body waxers) are fine with waxing men. If you are really brave, you can have a Brazilian, although I found once was way more than enough for me. A razor works just find for me in that area.
You mentioned moisturizers and perfume, and I am so on board with you. Glad to hear your honey is okay with it as well. Bath and Body is absolutely the bomb! Be sure to try Japanese Cherry Blossom moisturizer and body spray. The absolute best! As far as Burt’s Bees lipstick, try the tinted. It darkens your lips a bit, but not so noticeable to out you. As far a purses go, I wouldn’t go out on a foray without one! There are some really cool purses that don’t shout “I am a guy pretending to be a girl”.
Don’t you dare apologize for being long-winded in your reply. I loved it! I hope your sharing will be helpful to others exploring this wonderful world between the genders.
Oh ps: I lived in Mesa, AZ a long time ago. Hi fellow desert southwesterner!
Hi Angie. Getting the wife on board does make for a happier life if you have a strong feminine side. I do. When I got married I sort of stopped wearing panties. I did however wear mens nylon undies which were expensive and certainly not very fem. My wife saw that I preferred nylon and one day we were in a VF Outlet store. She picked up a pair of white VF panties that were around 2 or 3 dollars. She said these are less expensive than what you are buying. OMG I was wearing panties again. I will say six months, maybe more or less, and I had a dozen or more VF panties in all colors. The genie was out. Soon I had more panties than she did and many had lace and most were now pink. My fem side was emerging quickly. Then one day without any request she gave me a VF nightie. Turns out she had bought the wrong size for herself and I became the lucky recipient. The fem side of me was taking over and she was knowingly or unwittingly helping. I don’t recall the order of events but I shaved under my arms and then my legs. It was awkward at first with no hair under my arms at pools etc. But, I got used to it. My smooth legs were wonderful. I remember how silky looking they looked the first time I went out in shorts and I could feel the breeze. I thought everyone was looking and I didn’t care. Over the years I added more things. I looked for womens shorts that could be worn as unisex. Most of my shorts today are womens. I found womens jerseys that were unisex enough to wear out. The jerseys were not as easy to get away with as the sleeves are shorter and the jersey is shorter. I am a small male so it all worked and as I became more comfortable I have to admit the more feminine they became. My wife liked me in pastels so yellows, lavenders, light green and even pink. I love pink. I never told my wife these items were female but for the most part she figured it out. She said one day these shorts are womens. And some labels gave them away in the jerseys. I wanted more colorful sneakers and she was the one that suggested womens. I wear a size 9 womens sneaker/shoe. I wanted the pinks and pastel colors and she was fine with it. Again not in the order of timing I added womens deodorants, body lotions, creams and perfume plus more. I love Body and Bath. A must add for those of us with a fem side is Burt’s Bees nude lipstick. I carry a purse most of the time and my wife was behind that addition. She was tired of carrying my stuff and suggested a male bag. We bought a couple and then I got my first female purse. I have a couple of small shoulder bags and a couple of clutches. Nothing with bling of course. My favorite is the bag with the makeup mirror. When we found that one she commented “how appropriate, it has a makeup mirror”. One more thing it has is a very pastel light blue lining. I still look around when I open the bag and the mirror and the light blue is showing. I also gave up the traditional mens wallet and carry a womens wallet. I have gone on way to long. I am sure there is more.
I think a woman is either on board or she isn’t and you will know quickly. In a crazy way I think my wife likes having a girlfriend and husband. She is in charge and wears the pants in this house. I wear the panties, LOL. We joke about it and she knows it to be true.
One or two examples of crossing the line. I love camisoles. I secretly owned a few. One day she caught me slipping into a cute lacey cami. She said no way. She was concerned that someone would either see the cami though my shirt or they would see the lingerie strap. That ended my cami wearing. Bras were a similar story. She says there is no way I can wear a bra without something showing. I love bras but now I only help her pick hers out.
Thank you Angie for the blog. Hope this helps others. As Angie says, go slow, be cautious and let your wife if willing lead the way.
I’m sorry to hear that your wife doesn’t seem to want to get onboard with you. She sounds like one of those gals that see men and women in a very binary manner – men are men and women are women, period. My best recommendation to you is to search the web for articles directed toward the wives of cross dressers that you might share with her. There are some very well worded articles out there. A couple of important points made in these articles is 1) cross dressing is not a disease and not something to be “cured” and 2) cross dressing is not something likely to just go away or get over – it is a part of who you are, and for most of us, a very important part. While I don’t know you and your wife, I suspect she may be worried about losing her man – a fear I can well understand. You might assure her that the vast majority of us are straight and in a committed relationship. We just understand ourselves to be a person that doesn’t march by the beat of conventional society’s drum beat. Our cross dressing is simply an outward expression of that part of ourselves that we embrace. Good luck to you, dear sister. My kindest wishes to you and your wife.
I have and still do dress in lingerie, wifes knows and says snarky things about it, like I want a man, quit wearing my clothes. I try to stay in bedroom with it but occasionally I venture out and let her see and its “that’s too girly” well that’s the fun in it. A friend gave her some things, she doesn’t wear but a couple things so I am wearing the others. I have bought things that no way I am telling or showing her, it’s a hard sell after 35yrs of marriage to get her to change but I will keep on dressing and playing in lingerie.
Nicky, I am so happy for you. You had the courage to come out to your wife, and she had the courage to accept you as you are. Like you, my marriage is much closer now than it has ever been. Why? Because I’m able to express my feminine self, which I have discovered is every woman’s best wish in her husband. Have fun, dear sister, and I wish the best for you and your dear lady. Be sure and take her on a virtual shopping trip at Xdress and Body Aware. Have fun, and spend some money!
It is difficult to talk with your wife about this…
I had to “come out” 5 weeks ago after being with my wife for 17 yrs. Ofcourse she was in shock and thought she lost her “man”, but after like 48 hours of talking she tried to understand me. And guess what… she does!
Never dared dreaming she would though but now im asking myself why i did not tell her earlier. My “hobby” (that’s how she calls it) is only with women underwear… and yes… i prefer pink, lace, silk, satin and everything that makes a pantie more girly. That is not her thing to be honest… she likes how i look in a thong but prefers black. She does let me wear my girly stuff but dont want to see that. Last weekend she asked me to show all my lingerie and even let me try it on to show her… and even after she said she dont want to see stockings or garthers, she did let me put them on. Her reaction: damn… you do wear it like it should. Fyi, we had awesome sex ?.
Now i have my own place in the closet with my panties and she let me wear them daily so… i do.
In short… please guys, talk to your wifes because this is one of the best things that ever happened in my marriage and we are closer to eachother then we ever were before!
I cannot recommend websites to you. Sorry, but the liability is not something I wish to shoulder. Just go to Google and type in something like “talking to your wife about your crossdressing” or some such. You will get many websites. If the website doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right. If it resonates with what you think is right, go for it. I wish you great success in your journey, and am always here to discuss this with you.
You mentioned some good sites out there, after the talk. Do you have any recommendations you will share?
Obviously, you are well down the road into your feminine self, and congratulations that you have a willing partner to share in this. That is truly a blessing. Apparently you have hit the limit with your sweetie with the garter belt, stockings, bra, and see-through panties. Please refer back to my original post, where I say that you need to not run ahead of her in your dressing, but take it slowly and let her set the pace. You have made some serious inroads in her accepting your inner femme, but don’t jeopardize that by running too far ahead of her in your enthusiasm. I well understand that you want more, in terms of expressing your inner feminine self, but your relationship is important too. Show her respect and kindness. Be patient, my dear sister.
My wife was ok with me cross dressing and told her prior to marriage I am 32 she is 28)married 10 years now and it progressed very well until I was dressing daily for several hours and all weekends from Friday night to Monday morning including full makeup, full lingerie including silicone breasts inserts, dresses and high heels. After I started my home business I began dressing basically full time and she seemed to be ok with it and since we have no kids it is easier. I have shoulder length very light brown hair or dark blonde hair and am 5ft.7in a women’s size 9 so I am not the most manly looking guy around which early in my life was a problem but was great for my cross dressing and to pass as a female. Because I have been dressing and passing as a female since my early teens and with her help I can go any where and am accepted as a female without question. I have gone into lingerie stores and tried on lingerie with the help of sales girls and they know nothing than I am a female. No excessive body hair, I keep shaved as any woman and have my eyebrows waxed and maintain long nails; basically for the last like 6 months I have lived fulltime as a female and have no plans to change that. Even my wife has said I seem happier and calmer living as a woman and only once in a while at night when making love she does ask me to not wear one of my silky nightgowns to bed until after we make love. She used be not like it during the day to kiss me when we are both wearing lipstick but she has even accepted that. We use the same deodorant and share makeup and almost live as girlfriends or sisters except we have sex. So I was so surprised when she completely freaked out when I came home with a garterbelt and a couple pair of stockings with matching bra and sheer see through panties with lace around the leg opening very feminine and sexy I loved them and thought she would. Now I always wear a dress or skirt and usually wear either pantyhose or usually thigh high stockings because I like the feel of my nylon slip sliding against my nylon panties (I do become aroused by crossdressing and always have and she knows it, I stay erect all day and wear fuller dresses so as to not show it) Unlike others I stay aroused even after satisfaction; the arousal from crossdressing never goes away. I thought when I went full time I would eventually get used to it and it would become normal and my arousal would subside; actually it get more and more intense as the day goes on and as I have orgasms. Seems like the more I have the more I want to have. Anyway I wear very silky sexy panties and bra, beautiful full slips or half slips; unbelievably feminine sheer 1960’s style nightgowns with matching robes and panties to bed. I sound look and act like a female 24/7 and have even worn a corset (with0ut garter straps and stockings) I have gone with y wife to a square dance wearing several real crinolines the silky sexy type girls wore in the 1950’s and had the most sexual feminine experience of my life and on occasion dress in that square dance dress with the petticoats just because it is so arousing and she knows it. But when I put on the garterbelt and attached the stockings and came out of the bedroom wearing the garterbelt matching very sheer panties and bra she looked at me and said “what is this a matching garter belt, bra and panties and stockings and you have an erection what the hell is the matter with you are you gay wearing a garterbelt with stocking that is so gay enough of this nonsense you will not wear a garterbelt”. What the heck was that I dress and look like a woman completely and wear the most sexy silky female lingerie bras sheer panties beautiful satin slips and have long nails and even had permanent eyelashes done and my eyebrows waxed and several of her coworkers think I am her sister and she thinks I am gay because I wear a garter belt and stockings. Any ideas on this it makes no sense that her “line” is a garterbelt or the see through panties I do not get it and she is staying mad at me and forbids me to wear them. Of course because of that it really turns me on to wear them.
I told my wife four months after we met. She was only 20 and we were also four months from the altar (no pregnancy- just love!). She participated, and seemingly enthusiastically, for years until her asking me to “go put something on” simply faded away. She is alright with me dressing in private when she is not around- she simply doesn’t want to participate.
Why? All she has ever said is that it was a lot easier to take when she was still drinking (she has been in AA for 20 years and it saved her life- the trade-off is worth it).
Scott, thank you so much for your reply. You are doing exactly what I would suggest anyone discovering their emerging feminine side would do. As I said in my blog, take it slow. You have to let your wife catch up with you, and never run ahead of her, as this may be threatening to her. Like you, my wife and I have found the joy of the lingerie counter and visits together to the nail salon. In fact, we had pedicures yesterday. Oh, btw, my nail tech told me yesterday that you shouldn’t wear toenail polish during the winter, as it invites nail fungus. Only wear toenail polish in the warm months. Didn’t know that, did you? Neither did I. Anyway, I appreciate your thoughtful reply and encouragement of others who have discovered this wonderful side of themselves that allows us such freedom. My best wishes for you as you journey on in this exciting life still to be discovered.
I want to say that my wife try to get it but could not. So I had to cross dress in secret she found my hiding spot and dispose of my lingerie I just got back in bying again I will love for her to understand.