Getting the Wife Onboard

Getting the Wife Onboard
You might be like a lot of other cross dressers that live a life of secrecy and only wear your favorite panties when your wife/partner is away or you are on a business trip. That secrecy can induce feelings of guilt and frustration. The cardinal rule to a good relationship is no secrets, yet here you are hiding an important part of who you are. To tell or not to tell? That is the question. Let’s suppose you’ve decided it’s time to out yourself to your wife/partner. How to go about it? First, a few things not to do:
  1. Don’t “accidentally” leave a picture on your phone or computer for her to discover.
  2. Don’t surprise her by being fully dressed in skirt and blouse.
  3. Don’t ambush her by taking her to a counselor where you reveal your feminine self.

Your attitude should be one of care and respect. This is going to affect her life as well as yours. The first things you may need to assure her of are that you do not want to switch sexual preferences and that you are still her husband/partner and intend to remain genetically male. These are the most common fears women have when becoming aware of their man’s feminine side. In other words, they are afraid of losing their man. Hopefully you know your wife well enough to have some sense of how she will react. Some women would rather leave the relationship than see her man in a pair of panties. If this is your sense of who she is, you might want to speak to a qualified therapist first. There are those women who will never accept your cross dressing, period. Other women approach it with interest and curiosity. Hopefully your lady is one of these.


Before having “The Talk” be sure you are clear with yourself on what cross dressing means to you. Why do you do it? She’s going to ask, so be prepared. Don’t be defensive – you are simply sharing a part of yourself that she didn’t know existed. Actually, she probably sort of did, but didn’t know where it was coming from – your sensitivity, caring, nurturing. All these things that can make a marriage/relationship so wonderful have been coming from your feminine self. The panties are just an outward expression of these gifts you bring to the relationship. If she wants more information on cross dressing, there are some very good sites on the internet tailored to the spouse of a cross dresser. As with all things, there are also some bad ones. There are also some sites that can be helpful to you in preparing for The Talk.


Importantly, once you have revealed your feminine self, go slow with what you wear. Start conservatively, as you want her to accept you, not be shocked by you. At least initially, avoid the more edgy lingerie. You need to give her time to accept this new you – at least new to her. Xdress has some conservative, but very attractive panties, such as the Satin High Waist Tricot Panty. Also, you might look at the Invisible Pleasure Brief and the Glistening Satin & Lace panty. The Glistening Satin & Lace Panty also has a matching camisole that is very attractive.


Lastly, be sure to show her what fun it can be being married to a cross dresser – the shopping, the chick flicks, the girlfriend nights doing each other’s nails. Help her understand that she isn’t losing her man – she’s gaining a girlfriend!

Angie, Guest Blogger

Like What You're Reading?

Share it with your friends!



A hugely difficult problem. Generally a woman doesn’t want to see her MAN looking like a woman. I am lucky. I have a wife who doesn’t mind me wearing knickers every day and dressing up now and then . It has taken a long time to get there and I think that is part of the solution. I didn’t rush into it.

It’s about the Timing. I told my wife one day when we had been having good sex and we felt good about each other. I just blurted it out and said " Look, i have a thing for wearing female clothes! But not all the time and I don’t wanna be a woman. It’s just a bit of fun and immensely enjoyable for me."

She laughed like hell ! She doesn’t completely endorse it. But She knows that it gives me great pleasure like any other good hobby or pastime. I am always there for her whatever she needs. If she asks me to stay up all night doing the house chores, I would. I never question her. She only ever asks for help. It is far better than being a drunkard for instance!

Over a long period of time I now have a wardrobe that has more knickers, dresses, bras, skirts etc than you can count. The thing is, it is just a bit of fun and you have to prove that you are still a man for her! The truth is that transvestites live in a horrible paradigm. They love women and make exceptionally good lovers and parents. I know, I have four wonderful children and a lovely wife. BUT I am lucky. ( I have made some of that luck).

David M

Keri, thank you so much for your reply. I do believe we are sisters under the skin! Don’t you love those VF nightgowns? My wife bought me three last year as an I love You surprise. If you are finding VF panties for three and four dollars, go for it! I’ve not found any that cheap. They do wear well, and are very pretty – especially with the lace side panels. Like you, my favorite color is pink, however lavender is a close second – especially with camis and bras. Your wife might be freaking out about straps being visible, but it’s all about the shirt you wear over them. Xdress and Body Aware offer some really great camis and bras. My very favorite cami is the Glistening Satin. Fits like a glove and with the right shirt, no problem. Be sure to explore their bras as well. As I said in the original blog posting, slow is best. Go to Xdress or Body Aware with your lady and let her shop with you. Don’t surprise her by just showing up in a cami or bra (or both). Let her be a part of the adventure with you.

As far as shaving legs and underarms (I refuse to refer to them as “arm pits” – so gross) you might want to consider letting the hair grow out a minimum of 1/4 inch and then have a waxing. Waxing usually hold for about 6 months when you first begin. Waxing leaves your skin incredibly smooth. Does it hurt? Heck yeah it hurts! Take some ibuprofen before you go in. Most estheticians (body waxers) are fine with waxing men. If you are really brave, you can have a Brazilian, although I found once was way more than enough for me. A razor works just find for me in that area.

You mentioned moisturizers and perfume, and I am so on board with you. Glad to hear your honey is okay with it as well. Bath and Body is absolutely the bomb! Be sure to try Japanese Cherry Blossom moisturizer and body spray. The absolute best! As far as Burt’s Bees lipstick, try the tinted. It darkens your lips a bit, but not so noticeable to out you. As far a purses go, I wouldn’t go out on a foray without one! There are some really cool purses that don’t shout “I am a guy pretending to be a girl”.

Don’t you dare apologize for being long-winded in your reply. I loved it! I hope your sharing will be helpful to others exploring this wonderful world between the genders.

Oh ps: I lived in Mesa, AZ a long time ago. Hi fellow desert southwesterner!

Kindest regards,


Hi Angie. Getting the wife on board does make for a happier life if you have a strong feminine side. I do. When I got married I sort of stopped wearing panties. I did however wear mens nylon undies which were expensive and certainly not very fem. My wife saw that I preferred nylon and one day we were in a VF Outlet store. She picked up a pair of white VF panties that were around 2 or 3 dollars. She said these are less expensive than what you are buying. OMG I was wearing panties again. I will say six months, maybe more or less, and I had a dozen or more VF panties in all colors. The genie was out. Soon I had more panties than she did and many had lace and most were now pink. My fem side was emerging quickly. Then one day without any request she gave me a VF nightie. Turns out she had bought the wrong size for herself and I became the lucky recipient. The fem side of me was taking over and she was knowingly or unwittingly helping. I don’t recall the order of events but I shaved under my arms and then my legs. It was awkward at first with no hair under my arms at pools etc. But, I got used to it. My smooth legs were wonderful. I remember how silky looking they looked the first time I went out in shorts and I could feel the breeze. I thought everyone was looking and I didn’t care. Over the years I added more things. I looked for womens shorts that could be worn as unisex. Most of my shorts today are womens. I found womens jerseys that were unisex enough to wear out. The jerseys were not as easy to get away with as the sleeves are shorter and the jersey is shorter. I am a small male so it all worked and as I became more comfortable I have to admit the more feminine they became. My wife liked me in pastels so yellows, lavenders, light green and even pink. I love pink. I never told my wife these items were female but for the most part she figured it out. She said one day these shorts are womens. And some labels gave them away in the jerseys. I wanted more colorful sneakers and she was the one that suggested womens. I wear a size 9 womens sneaker/shoe. I wanted the pinks and pastel colors and she was fine with it. Again not in the order of timing I added womens deodorants, body lotions, creams and perfume plus more. I love Body and Bath. A must add for those of us with a fem side is Burt’s Bees nude lipstick. I carry a purse most of the time and my wife was behind that addition. She was tired of carrying my stuff and suggested a male bag. We bought a couple and then I got my first female purse. I have a couple of small shoulder bags and a couple of clutches. Nothing with bling of course. My favorite is the bag with the makeup mirror. When we found that one she commented “how appropriate, it has a makeup mirror”. One more thing it has is a very pastel light blue lining. I still look around when I open the bag and the mirror and the light blue is showing. I also gave up the traditional mens wallet and carry a womens wallet. I have gone on way to long. I am sure there is more.

I think a woman is either on board or she isn’t and you will know quickly. In a crazy way I think my wife likes having a girlfriend and husband. She is in charge and wears the pants in this house. I wear the panties, LOL. We joke about it and she knows it to be true.

One or two examples of crossing the line. I love camisoles. I secretly owned a few. One day she caught me slipping into a cute lacey cami. She said no way. She was concerned that someone would either see the cami though my shirt or they would see the lingerie strap. That ended my cami wearing. Bras were a similar story. She says there is no way I can wear a bra without something showing. I love bras but now I only help her pick hers out.

Thank you Angie for the blog. Hope this helps others. As Angie says, go slow, be cautious and let your wife if willing lead the way.


Keri (Scottsdale)

Hi Dean,

I’m sorry to hear that your wife doesn’t seem to want to get onboard with you. She sounds like one of those gals that see men and women in a very binary manner – men are men and women are women, period. My best recommendation to you is to search the web for articles directed toward the wives of cross dressers that you might share with her. There are some very well worded articles out there. A couple of important points made in these articles is 1) cross dressing is not a disease and not something to be “cured” and 2) cross dressing is not something likely to just go away or get over – it is a part of who you are, and for most of us, a very important part. While I don’t know you and your wife, I suspect she may be worried about losing her man – a fear I can well understand. You might assure her that the vast majority of us are straight and in a committed relationship. We just understand ourselves to be a person that doesn’t march by the beat of conventional society’s drum beat. Our cross dressing is simply an outward expression of that part of ourselves that we embrace. Good luck to you, dear sister. My kindest wishes to you and your wife.


I have and still do dress in lingerie, wifes knows and says snarky things about it, like I want a man, quit wearing my clothes. I try to stay in bedroom with it but occasionally I venture out and let her see and its “that’s too girly” well that’s the fun in it. A friend gave her some things, she doesn’t wear but a couple things so I am wearing the others. I have bought things that no way I am telling or showing her, it’s a hard sell after 35yrs of marriage to get her to change but I will keep on dressing and playing in lingerie.


Leave a comment

Please note, comments need to be approved before they are published.