Getting the Wife Onboard

Getting the Wife Onboard
You might be like a lot of other cross dressers that live a life of secrecy and only wear your favorite panties when your wife/partner is away or you are on a business trip. That secrecy can induce feelings of guilt and frustration. The cardinal rule to a good relationship is no secrets, yet here you are hiding an important part of who you are. To tell or not to tell? That is the question. Let’s suppose you’ve decided it’s time to out yourself to your wife/partner. How to go about it? First, a few things not to do:
  1. Don’t “accidentally” leave a picture on your phone or computer for her to discover.
  2. Don’t surprise her by being fully dressed in skirt and blouse.
  3. Don’t ambush her by taking her to a counselor where you reveal your feminine self.

Your attitude should be one of care and respect. This is going to affect her life as well as yours. The first things you may need to assure her of are that you do not want to switch sexual preferences and that you are still her husband/partner and intend to remain genetically male. These are the most common fears women have when becoming aware of their man’s feminine side. In other words, they are afraid of losing their man. Hopefully you know your wife well enough to have some sense of how she will react. Some women would rather leave the relationship than see her man in a pair of panties. If this is your sense of who she is, you might want to speak to a qualified therapist first. There are those women who will never accept your cross dressing, period. Other women approach it with interest and curiosity. Hopefully your lady is one of these.


Before having “The Talk” be sure you are clear with yourself on what cross dressing means to you. Why do you do it? She’s going to ask, so be prepared. Don’t be defensive – you are simply sharing a part of yourself that she didn’t know existed. Actually, she probably sort of did, but didn’t know where it was coming from – your sensitivity, caring, nurturing. All these things that can make a marriage/relationship so wonderful have been coming from your feminine self. The panties are just an outward expression of these gifts you bring to the relationship. If she wants more information on cross dressing, there are some very good sites on the internet tailored to the spouse of a cross dresser. As with all things, there are also some bad ones. There are also some sites that can be helpful to you in preparing for The Talk.


Importantly, once you have revealed your feminine self, go slow with what you wear. Start conservatively, as you want her to accept you, not be shocked by you. At least initially, avoid the more edgy lingerie. You need to give her time to accept this new you – at least new to her. Xdress has some conservative, but very attractive panties, such as the Satin High Waist Tricot Panty. Also, you might look at the Invisible Pleasure Brief and the Glistening Satin & Lace panty. The Glistening Satin & Lace Panty also has a matching camisole that is very attractive.


Lastly, be sure to show her what fun it can be being married to a cross dresser – the shopping, the chick flicks, the girlfriend nights doing each other’s nails. Help her understand that she isn’t losing her man – she’s gaining a girlfriend!

Angie, Guest Blogger

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WOW did I get lucky. I never had to have “the talk”. I never really was serious about dressing until a few years ago. I would sneak around and try panties here and there with my first wife but never serious. We divorce and I met my current wife I did a time or two then something wonderful happened. I was asked to be in a womanless beauty pageant. So as she and I were working out my costumes she revealed to me she date someone that dressed before. She was clearly comfortable with it so I progressed from just panties to her things. Now I buy my own.


Dear Angie
I always love your commentary
You are probably correct on the gender fluid part. I meant more I have no desire to transition. As for the pedicure it was the closest we ve ever been. When I go alone no one even blinks they enjoy me coming
I d love to see a national day for mens nail polish with the salons catering to men who love nail polish
Thanks again for a tremendous blog


Hello dear Steff,

You wife allows panties, bra, and polish on your toenails? You are well down the road with your lady, dear sister. Isn’t a trip to the salon for a pedicure, complete with toenail polish, and absolute rush? I love going with my wife to the salon. We settled on a frost pink for my toes. Goes will with my skin coloring. The cool thing is the nail tech doesn’t blink and eye, and I’ve had lovely conversations with ladies seated next to me in the salon chair about favorite colors. I’m glad you understand the importance of going at your wife’s pace, not your own. It’s all about respect – allowing her time to adjust. As far as your comment about being “a little bit gender fluid” sweetie, you aren’t a “little bit gender fluid.” You’re a lot gender fluid, so enjoy it!

Fondest regards,


Wow telling the wife i told her out of necessity it wasn’t goid but not as bad as I thought
Had to go to counseling
That helped her understand
She told me later that she did my Laundry and saw some if mu underwear that looked different (jockey no panty line promise in black )
But never said anything
So anyway she indulges me a little during private time and at leadt she knows i wear panties bras ladies jeans
Nail polish on my toes ( she evev scheduled a couples pedi and pucked a dark red for me)
So its going ok I always tell myself not too fast
I m a hetero cdressing male with a strong fetish for crossdressing and consider myself a little bit gender fluid


David M, you are so on the mark! You understand that you have to give your wife time to adjust to this “paradigm” as you so excellently put it. It is indeed a shift in paradigm is it not? To love the finery of silk, satin, and lace, and yet to be fully a man to your woman’s needs? That’s a hard one to understand, but you obviously do. I wish you and your good lady the best as you continue to explore this fuller sense of who you are. Your wife may not be completely on board yet, but give the dear lady some time to adjust. The paradigm, as you so wisely call it, is a big shift, and it may require a bit of time for her to come along with you.

Fondest wishes,


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