Greetings dear readers. Some time ago I posted a blog entitled, “Getting the Wife Onboard.” You can read it here. Today, I’d like to take that topic a bit further – coming out to other people. The same principles apply here as those I shared in “Getting the Wife Onboard,” but there is more to consider.
First, if you want to come out as a cross dresser to someone else, examine your motivation. That person probably has no need to have knowledge of your cross dressing. Could it be harmful to them or to your relationship with them? Is it worth the risk? So rule #1 is to always hold the best interest of your friend as paramount in your decision regarding coming out to them. Your coming out is not for their benefit – it is for yours. Be sure you understand your motivation and the possible consequences.
The second rule, if I may be so bold, is “know your territory.” You can get a feel for where the other person is coming from by casual conversation. The topic of cross dressing celebs comes up in conversation. This is an opportunity to get a feel for your friend’s feelings about the topic. Another, and usually safe, way to broach the topic is to mention kilts. Kilts have a long history with a very masculine connotation. Being Irish, it is easy for me to mention the clan tartan and my interest in shelling out the money for a kilt. I’ve never had a negative reaction to that, simply because the Irish heritage is one that commands respect. It is easy to graduate the topic to “I wonder what would happen if men started wearing skirts?”
Let me give you an example of knowing the territory before you come out. We had our house painted this past summer and the painter, a female, told me it would take at least one month. She presents in a very butch manner, even when not working. She has a decal on her truck that has a dark blue background with two horizontal gold bars in the middle. I know what it means, but played dumb and asked her what it means. She explained that it signifies alliance with the LGBTQ community. She’s a very open person and told me she is lesbian and gender fluid. Ah, the perfect opportunity. I told her that I, too, am gender fluid and, given that she would be at our house for at least a month, I would appreciate being able to dress as I desire if it wouldn’t offend her. She was fine with that, as I pretty well knew she would be. Her first day on the job, I greeted her in a skirt and blouse. She complemented me on my choice of color and style. Later in the day she told me my name (male name) just didn’t feel right and asked me if I had a femme name. From that day on, if I was wearing anything feminine, she addressed me as Angie. We now have a very warm relationship. Here is an example of knowing your territory before you reveal your whole self.
I’ve also come out to my esthetician (the person who waxes your body). I go in for a semi-annual waxing and love the results. How did I come out to her? She’s also a beautician. My wife went in for a facial and asked her how she would feel about doing a waxing for a cross dresser. She was fine with it. Problem solved. Every time I go in, I’m wearing panties and my toenails are polished with frost pink (my absolute favorite). I’ve come to know her as a dear sweet person.
The third rule is don’t believe everything you read on the internet. There is some really bad advice out there on how to come out. Let me give you an example of what not to do. A number of years ago I was having coffee with a female friend. She told me about something that had happened the week before. She had a number of friends that liked to go out to eat together and generally just hang out. One of those friends was a large, biker sort of guy. He invited her out for coffee one evening and picked her up. After coffee, when he took her home and parked the car, he told her he wanted to tell her something. He said it would be easier to show her. With that, he pulled down his pants and was wearing a frilly pair of panties. She told me she wanted to laugh, but didn’t want to hurt his feelings. That is NOT the way to come out. From time to time, some celeb comes out and I’m pretty sure they are playing to the shock value. That type of behavior isn’t earning us any points with the general public, and paints us all with a broad paintbrush and makes us all look like a bunch of fruit loops; an image that persists today because of such behavior.
Do you have any experiences, good or bad you would like to share? I think we can all learn from each other. We all want to be accepted for our whole selves, and I do believe that is an attainable goal with select people if we use a bit of common sense. So get that keyboard going – I’d love to hear your stories!
Fond regards,
Angie
27 comments
Thank you all for your great responses. ML. I’m so glad that you found a lady that appreciates all that you are. I’m so sorry your first wife held it against you, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s her loss and your present wife is your blessing. Obviously she appreciates all that you are and what you bring to your marriage.
Chuck, you too are a lucky guy. Like you, I have a full beard and mustache and dresses absolutely don’t work for me. I look like the bearded lady at the circus! Thrift stores are the best aren’t they? I enjoy long skirts in the winter, but like you, shorter skirts with nice blouses are the best. Enjoy, dear sister!
Dave, thanks for your comments. I’m glad your wife is accepting of who you are. I can well understand that it would be nice for your friend of 25 years to truly understand who you are, but you have made a wise decision in considering the possible impact to your relationship with him. I’m very glad you got the point of what I was trying to say. Again, always consider the best interest of the other person. I am totally with you that Xdress and Body Aware are folks that not only support, but also empower us to embrace who we truly are.
Fran, like you, I wear panties every day, and love the gentle hug of a bra. Nothing like it!
Peter, it sounds like your wife is pretty ambivalent about your cross dressing. She buys you lingerie, then derides you if you wear it. You made mention that she wonders if you are gay. That is a very, very common concern of wives. The big two questions are, 1) are you gay? and 2) do you want to be a genetic woman? For the great majority of us, the answers are no and no. What this concern points to is the wife’s anxiety that she is going to lose her man. Being married with a wonderful wife myself, I can well understand these concerns, and had to deal with them. One of the important things I learned was that I had to assure my wife that I am still her protector and am not in competition with her to see who is the most feminine. She is my girly girl and I love that about her. Be sure you always celebrate your wife’s femininity and make sure she knows you are still her manly man, even if you are wear a bra and panties! From what you shared, I think you have a reasonable chance of achieving her acceptance of your full self. Good luck and best wishes, my friend.
Again, thank you all for your wonderful responses. Keep them coming!
Fond regards,
Angie
Hi Angie,
Not sure my coming out to friends other than my wife are as brave as yours are. I have a friend on the east coast that I grew up with. We were close friends and still are. I moved west and our friendship became one of an occasional visit now and then but we still talk frequently. I knew he was gay or at least that is what we called it all those years ago. He is actually a TGirl / sissy by his own description. I have seen him fully dressed and he actually looks quite cute or nice. He was the first person I outed myself to as a pantyboy. These days we agree I am as much of a sissy as he is. He always has encouraged me to explore my fem side and he has always been right about my strong feminine feelings.
Living here I like so many others used the various popular chat sites and have chatted with many others that enjoy the lifestyle, Most though are way off from my tastes and interests. I have met one person from chat. We live locally and seemed to be more in tune with each others interests. We may have chatted a few years before we summoned the courage to meet. It was awkward and not easy. However, we hit it off and liked each other. We know everything about each other. We aren’t totally in sync but very close. We meet now and then, have shopped for lingerie together, buy panties, bras and nighties for each other, talk by phone and consider ourselves gurlfriends These two are the only two on the outside world that know.
I doubt I will ever meet any others but you never know. I am so happy that the world is more open than it was years ago. I accept the lifestyle and love it. I hope blogs and stories like these help others to feel free to explore.
Keri
Thank you for putting your insight into words ANgie. I like to wear panties and would all the time if I could. My wife doesnt approve, but tolerates it, and even occasionally buys me lingerie for birthdays etc, but then will later make me feel bad that I like wearing them, suggesting I must be gay (which I am not). You are very lucky to have a fully accepting wife, but i don’t think that is common.
I’m not out and probably never will be, i do wear panties all of the time and sometimes a bra on special occasions. That being if I’m meeting a male lover or going to an all male bath house…!!
Coming out to anyone can be rough. It took me a long time and a couple attempts at hiding it for me to eventually tell my wife. Now she supports me. I have been tempted once to tell my best friend of 25 years but, like you said, it would probably be for me and not lend anything to our friendship. I appreciate your efforts to live openly and fully; as someone who does not have the desire personally to share with many/any other people, your honesty both inspires and scares me. :) Regardless, it’s people with your desires and courage that lead to companies like BodyAware/Xdress to survive and thrive.