How do I accept that I'm fem? I know it in my brain, but I can't seem to accept it in my heart that I'm just not a stereotypical manly man.
From the minute we are born, we exist in a world where people insist gender is a binary. Either BOY or GIRL. For everything and anything. The blanket we are swaddled in, a few moments after we take our first breath, is pink or blue and how we are treated and raised begins right then and there. From that moment on, we are burdened with what a boy should and should not do or think or feel or wear. Forever and always.
This is done out of habit and tradition, but really, it makes no sense why we are forced to stay within these boundaries. People are generally uncomfortable with others who go against these arbitrary rules and will do their best to shame someone to "act like a man" or "be more ladylike". We are ridiculed and ostracized and told we are wrong and confused and that we are sinning.
People are complex and things like the color pink and the softness of a nightie can be, and are, enjoyed by countless others, regardless of the blanket color that someone was wrapped in..
The shame or guilt or other emotions the world is trying to make you feel will likely work their way into your own heart and mind and suddenly something that you feel or something that you wear makes you feel, well, wrong. Your gender identity, how you feel about yourself, who you are, and what you wear is up to you. Please don't let others who insist on arbitrary rules prevent you from being who you are.
And really, what is a stereotypical manly man? Sure, on a surface level your best friend might be watching football and crushing beer cans on his forehead but that's what you SEE. He might be wearing a thong from XDress under his rugged flannel shirt and mud caked jeans. He might be listening to Sabrina Carpenter as he takes his axe to split firewood. The point is that you don't know who someone is beyond what they reveal to you.
Love, Hannah
The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of XDress
5 comments
I’m happy with my gender and with my identity as a man. I live and dress in accordance with my male identity and wouldn’t want that to be different. BUT, sometimes I like to crossdress. I’ve had an urge to wear girl’s clothes since I was young. It’s caused me confusion and the conflict between head and heart described here. At times I’ve tried to resist my compulsion to crossdress, because of that conflict, but the urge has always proven too strong. When I crossdress, I’m definitely not acting like a stereotypical man, and I definitely don’t look like one either! But at all other times I am a stereotypical man. It’s taken time, but I’ve worked out that I can actually separate the two contradictory aspects of my personality, and that neither has any reflection on the other. In my day to day life I can happily exist as a man without the fact that I might well get crossdressed later that day having any influence. Similarly, when I’m crossdressed my regular male identity isn’t part of that. This separation has given me the ability to overcome the head and heart conflict. I’m at work today and am wearing a suit. This evening I’m going out with friends and will probably be wearing my jeans, sneakers and a hoodie. But, tomorrow I’m off work and have planned to spend the day wearing lingerie, a new sequined dress, heels, makeup and a wig. What I’m doing today isn’t affected by what I’ll be doing tomorrow, and vice versa. I’m hoping this explanation might be helpful to others. Good luck everyone
Very true written in a respect full way thanks for sharing of it
Thank you, Hannah, for your reflections and thought-provoking articles. I have found them helpful. At the end of the second paragraph in this article, you mentioned the response we sometimes get is that we have or are sinning. As a person of faith, I believe that the Great Divine has created us individually and that we have a place in their eternal purposes. Yes, we have been born of physical parents, but as humans we are body, mind and spirit. The response of some around us may be hostile, but let us take comfort from the fact that we are loved, cherished and valued by the Great Divine. Each of us has much to contribute in our own families and communities. Yes, dress as you feel comfortable. Our honesty in exploring our true selves may well be a great help to some struggling around us.
Gender is defined by your birth sex. However, that is all it is – a representation of your birth sex. Beyond that you can dress as you wish, look like whatever you wish, have whatever personality you wish and people should respect that without ridicule or abuse. So let’s not not use the word gender at all since no one can define what a woman is or what a man is (other than biological sex).
Hannah
I love your answer your gave for head vs heart. I’m married with children, but i really like wearing women’s panties. It makes me feel sexy. My problem is I feel ashamed and embrassed that my friends might find out and i don’t think they would understand. I know they would make fun of me, and probably call me a sissy. Reading your answer i’m going to follow my heart and do want I feel inside.
Thank you
John