"Sadly, I can't develop my style. My wife accepts that I dress up in lingerie but has categorically told me that she couldn't deal with it if I took things further. I know how lucky I am that she's ok with me wearing lingerie and don't want to jeopardise that, so I respect her perspective. I do occasionally go for a makeover with a specialist crossdressing makeup artist/stylist, which satisfies my desires to present myself en-femme, albeit only for short periods at a time. My wife doesn't know about these escapes and I feel guilty about keeping it from her, but don't know what else to do." -L
Crossdressing and gender identity rarely make relationships easier. It is an added element for both people to adapt to. When something happens in one's life, it will impact your partner as well, regardless of what it is. Crossdressing and gender identity are topics that most people do not anticipate having to adjust to when it comes to a relationship, and therefore it can cause our partners to feel lonely and overwhelmed. There's also usually an element of embarrassment that our partners feel. After all, how do you confide in your best friend that you are going through a difficult time because your husband wears bras and panties? There are support groups for almost everything that someone is experiencing, whether for addiction or grief, but not very many options for our partners for this.
Before I continue, please understand this: I am not a therapist and I know nothing about your situation beyond what you have written. I do not give advice, but I can offer my perspective and mention things that you may want to consider.
Crossdressing in it of itself is not wrong, but our partners often need help coming to terms with this side of us and understanding this side of us. Keep in mind that our partners are under no obligation to accept who we are. A crossdressing husband or a partner that is discovering their gender identity can be incredibly difficult things to incorporate in a relationship and not everyone is able to be a part of that.
There's nothing wrong with wearing panties or whatever else you wear. Again, there is nothing wrong with being a crossdresser (or however you feel comfortable identifying) but it's the behavior, actions, and decisions that are related to this side of ourselves that is the problem. I understand what you are feeling. I do. I promise. But I feel you are not being honest with your wife. I understand wanting to keep this side of you a secret, especially if you know that if it weren't, your relationship may go in a direction that you do not want it to.
If you are caught, and the odds are that you probably will be, then the conversation about your crossdressing becomes a conversation about you lying about your crossdressing. I feel that lying to your partner is a bad idea. If your partner is lying about something, anything, then you are probably wondering WHY they are lying and what else they are lying about. Lying about crossdressing may, understandably, cause your wife to think that there's more to this side of you than just lingerie (and it seems to be).
We can't help who we are. And there's nothing wrong with who you are. But I feel you need to be honest with her and that you probably need to be honest with yourself. I am not a therapist but I encourage you to meet with one. They can likely help you with sorting out your feelings and finding a way to have a conversation about all of this with your wife.
Empathy is key in relationships. The thought of going to therapy and potentially discussing all of this with your wife is super scary but I feel you need to find a way to be honest with your wife if you continue to do things, regardless of what they are, that she isn't aware of. After all, if she were going behind your back and not being honest about something, how would you feel? What if she were having after work drinks with a male coworker? What if she was texting her ex? How would you feel if you learned these things?
It's not too late. Having this side of you come to light is likely terrifying, but I feel that getting caught in a lie would make an already tense situation even more difficult.
Love, Hannah
The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of XDress
10 comments
Anonymous, haven’t most of us felt the way you are feeling. I sure did, that’s for sure. Finding this site was a game changer for me to realize that I didn’t need to feel shame when I made myself feel good. I have written many blogs on this site as well to share my thoughts and experiences so that others who feel the way you do, can feel, so called “normal”. I do love the feel, the look, and how I feel in lingerie. Please give me one good reason why this should only be limited to females? Embrace what makes you feel good, and makes you, you!!! Hope this helps! WB
I have never told anyone that I like to wear lingerie. I “lie” about it mainly because I struggle to accept it myself. I find it exciting every time I dress up in lingerie, but always feel guilty and ashamed about it afterwards. I question my sexuality and wonder if it’s possible that I’m transgender, even though I’m happy being male and am definitely attracted to women.
I’m sure that “we have all been there”, I certainly have. When I first started being drawn to lingerie in my teens, I struggled to admit it to myself, so kept it as a sordid secret. As I grew older and had relationships I didn’t share my secret because it still felt wrong and I didn’t think anyone else would understand. I lived a lie through my first marriage and kept it hidden for over 15 years. This was a stifling and unfulfilliing way to live and so, when my next serious relationship began, after that marriage ended, I decided to be open about it. It was a tough thing for me to do. Telling someone about the thing I’d kept hidden for so many years, and still felt somewhat ashamed of, came with great fears of rejection and ridicule. But I needn’t have been afraid. She was accepting, understanding and supportive. Over time, my crossdressing became a normal part of our relationship. We incorporated it into our intimacy and she loved to experiment and push boundaries together. I’m now married again and no longer have to live a lie. It’s been a liberating experience for me. I can wear what I want to without fear of being judged. She tells me that she feels lucky to have a man who isn’t altogether conventional and is confident enough in his own sexuality to be able to do something others might find taboo. My shame has long since gone and I can dress up with confidence knowing that it will be accepted, and even appreciated. I wouldn’t judge anyone for keeping it a secret because I know how hard it is to be able to share it. I hope my experience can be of help to someone else, without putting pressure on anyone to do something they might not be ready to.
Key phrase
Instead of the conversation being lying about crossdressing it becomes lying about things surrounding crossdressing
HUGE DIFFERENCE
In my experience, women are more open to crossdressing then men give them credit for…..
I don’t think I have ever had a partner run for the hills, maybe I guess I am just lucky?!? Maybe I have just been open and honest with them from the start. The way I see it and explain it is that women get to wear some really sexy things, why can’t men? So much of mens stuff is just so blah……I think hiding/lying is a much bigger deal breaker than crossdressing…..