Hi Hannah. About two years ago my wife caught me wearing a pair of her black lace panties. She got cross and then went quiet about it. I asked if she would discuss it and she refused. About two weeks ago, while chatting over a glass of wine, she suggested that I get therapy to help understand why you like to wear female underwear". That comment hurt like I'd been stabbed. What should I do or should I just leave there and never discuss it again? It's like something has really come between. Is.
I am sure you've figured this out by now, but in case you haven't (and perhaps for the benefit of those reading this who haven't come out to their partners yet) but getting caught is probably the worst way imaginable for our significant others to find out this side of us. Learning your partner is a crossdresser will almost always be a shock. There's going to be a lot to unpack there. Catching your partner wearing your underwear is, well, unpleasant. Underwear, whether it is a pair of black lace panties or something boring, is a personal, intimate thing. Her panties are HER panties. Someone else wearing them is just a little... well...
But many, many partners feel, and justifiably so, that there has been an element of dishonesty uncovered. You may have never LIED about wanting to wear panties, but it's kinda the thing you probably should have discussed before you were married. I suppose it's possible you never ever wanted to wear panties before that moment, but for most of us this side of us awakens early in our lives.
Whenever the reality of dishonesty is introduced in a relationship, it's natural to wonder what else someone was being dishonest about. That is human nature.
For many relationships, it's not the crossdressing ITSELF that is the problem, it's the behavior ASSOCIATED with crossdressing. She may not mind you wearing panties (but please, wear your own, maybe from XDress?), but she may be cross that you were/are not honest about this aspect of yourself.
Here's the thing: Most people do not have experience in talking to someone who wears clothes that their gender normally doesn't wear. It's not unusual to want to understand why someone wears panties or heels or stockings or a bra when they don't *have* to. I mean, many of us want to understand this aspect of ourselves, it's not a stretch to speculate our partners want to know this as well.
I obviously wasn't there for the conversation, so I admit I don't know how it all went down, but maybe, just maybe she was not being as harsh as you may think. It's possible that there is more to this side of you than you admit or realize. I mean, I started off wearing panties and I insisted this was all about panties, but fast-forward a few years...
That's not to say that there IS more to this side of you, mind.
Therapy is wonderful. I LOVE therapy. I still go to therapy. Therapy will never explain WHY I am who I am, but therapy helps with COMMUNICATING to others who I am, whether it is about gender or about other aspects of my personality. I will never know why I am who I am. Which is fine, it's not important, but therapy helped/helps me communicate my thoughts and feelings (whether they are about gender identity/presentation or about problems I am having with someone in my life) with my amazingly patient wife.
Love, Hannah
The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of XDress
9 comments
My wife and I have been together for 33 years and married 27 years. I few years ago she discovered some of my lingerie. She took it hard. I now go to therapy to understand how it started, why I do it and where it is going. Therapy really helps me.
She sometimes see her therapist to help with life issues as well as my issue.
We are very slowly working through my XD. At times we go out on the town and I will wear a bra and panties and stockings under regular clothes. She sometimes asks me if I’m wearing although she had indicated she doesn’t want to know.
I absolutely love wearing soft beautiful lingerie rather than ugly men’s underwear and this will never change in me so we have to continue to deal with it.
I was going to therapy about 10 years ago to get through a difficult time in my life. During that time I opened up to my therapist about my desire to wear woman’s lingerie. As it turns out there were several reasons that we figured out that could have brought me here. Being raised around a lot of girls and women made me inquisitive, having a very high stress job and to come home and be stress free in delicate clothing and lastly that lingerie just feels nice.
When I disclosed all of this to y then girl friend and now wife she totally got it.. we explored a lot and shared a lot. I k ow that I am the lucky one and I am so appreciative of her and her understanding.
Firstly Hannah is right, buy your own underwear / clothes! I feel that’s one of the biggest mistakes folks make. Your partner (usually!) doesn’t want to even think of you in their underwear so it just compounds things when they find out. Also just to say, I’m a firm believer in telling a partner as soon as practical in a relationship about your preferences, yes it’s awkward and intimidating but it’s a plaster that has to be ripped off!! A relationship is built upon mutual trust and respect so for someone to find out down the line that you’ve hidden this side of you from them undermines everything and makes them feel they don’t really know you or what else you’ve been keeping secret. With regards the suggestion of therapy, I actually think it’s a good idea and sounds a bit like she’s trying to help you. You could even suggest she joins you for a session or two as hearing from an independent (to your relationship) voice and professional about the realities of crossdressing, how common and largely harmless it really is could really help her make sense of everything or at least help her to accept or just tolerate that side of you. A therapist may also help you both make sense of what the future may look like as your wife probably has lots of fears about what she now knows about you such as do you want to fully transition or are you wanting to leave her for a man, will her relationship with the man she loves every recover or is it all over, etc, (all common fears for partners). They may also help you both to set mutually agreed boundaries, such as you can only wear your own panties while she’s not around so she has nothing to know with it all, or you can wear them but you can’t out in public or to the doctors for example. At least if you do go for therapy she can’t say you’ve not even bother to try to help the relationship. Good luck!!
I reckon that mostly perhaps she needed to go to therapy as well. Here in the UK therapy isn’t as positive a thing as over the pond. Also quite expensive and time consuming!
So… a couple of years ago, I found panties and other items that implied to me that my husband was up to no good behind my back. When I spoke to him about it, there was no-one else, it was about him wanting to feel the textures and sensations that I, as a female, feel. He said that there wasn’t really anything for men that made him feel sexy, so he was buying plus-sized ladies lingerie. Let’s face it, women’s lingerie isn’t shaped in the right places for men! Now we’ve spoken about things, and are more open about it, I’ve probably bought more lingerie for him than he has for me! My tips to the panty wearer – Be honest and open to your SO about your reasons for wearing panties. Help them to understand what you are feeling and thinking. My tips to the SO of the panty wearer – Try not be judgemental. Listen to the reasons, and try to understand. Be gentle with your questions, otherwise your SO might back away and hide themselves from you. From my experience, my husband wearing something silky can be just as exciting for me as it is is for him when I dress up. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!