How can I possibly share my passion for wearing women's lingerie with my girlfriend, who doesn't seem at all inclined to think it's normal? I'm afraid of her reaction. And I don't want to jeopardize our relationship. Thank you very much.
Crossdressing itself will not make your relationship easier. There's really no way you can get your partner to understand and embrace your love for lingerie.
But you can be truthful and relationships are easier when both people are honest about everything.
And I feel you should be honest, especially at this stage of your relationship. Your girlfriend deserves to know who you are and what she is, for lack of a better phrase, getting into. For some people, this part of you is a dealbreaker, and it's better they know this about you now then after the two of you have made a significant commitment, such as living together or getting engaged.
People wear what they wear for a LOT of reasons. It could be a t-shirt of your favorite band or an old, ratty baseball cap that should have probably been tossed years ago or a football jersey for a team that hasn't won a game in three years.. Clothes can, and do, have sentimental value, after all. Sometimes we wear things because of comfort, regardless of the gender it's designed for. I mean, I love leggings and nightgowns and I feel that every guy would wear them if they just tried them. Some apparel reinforces our gender identity, some items just feel "right", and some things we wear because, well, they arouse us.
Our partners will likely never really understand why we wear what we wear. But that's okay. I myself don't really understand why I wear what I wear either. The world is so used to gender as a binary and how some clothes, some colors, some jobs, some music is for girls or for boys. Some parents lose their minds when their son wants to wear a pink shirt or their daughter wants to play hockey or whatever. There's no reason or rule that says kids (and adults) can't do these things. We are conditioned by the world to maintain and expect and be comforted by gender roles and upholding these arbitrary rules.
When we come out to our partners and it doesn't go well, it's not a surprise. Sometimes it is a knee-jerk reaction. I mean, look at how crossdressing has been portrayed in movies. A male character who wears panties is usually a comedic role or they are meant to be a sexual deviant or they are gay (or in denial). Crossdressers are never shown in a healthy or realistic way. It's not a surprise that our partners associate this side of us with what they have been shown before. Our brains like to contextualize things so when we see "a man wearing lingerie" our minds race to connect this new experience with something relevant that we have previously experienced. Our minds subconsciously look for patterns and more often than not, the first time someone saw "a man wearing lingerie" was likely in a movie where he was shown to be a pervert or gay.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with being gay, but sometimes people are hesitant to get into a relationship with someone who is questioning their sexuality or gender.
And of course, there's nothing wrong with a fetish or a kink, as long as our partners are consenting and what we're into isn't illegal, unethical, or harmful.
I feel we need to be honest with who we are. I do not feel that crossdressing is a phase and I don't think it's something we can stop doing. After all, it brings us joy and there's nothing wrong with wearing what we wear. You might think you can stop, and you probably can, for a time but I don't think you'll be able to deny this side of yourself for the rest of your life. Because of this, I think it's important to come out.
Yes, your partner might not like it but it's important for you to be true to who you are. I had a few relationships before I met my wife and I always thought I could repress this side of me but I never could, not for very long, anyway. I came out to my wife when we were dating. By this point in my life I knew I couldn't stop, and honestly, I didn't want to. I told her that this is who I was and if we were going to be together we would need to find a way to make it work. It wouldn't have been fair to her if I wasn't honest with her, and it wouldn't be fair to me to live the rest of my life repressing a significant part of myself.
If and when you have 'The Talk', be prepared for the normal questions about your sexuality and gender. She will probably ask if you are gay or bi. She will probably ask about your gender identity and if you think you may want to transition. Be ready for these questions, even if you can't answer them. Telling our partners "I am not sure" or "I am still figuring that out" are honest answers. Don't lie to them. Be gentle and honest with your partner.
I wish you luck and who knows? It could go better than you think it will.
Love, Hannah
The views and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of XDress
6 comments
Everyone in this article is spot on. I was asked all the questions when I came out to my wife. We are now at a healthy point that I wear lingerie every night around the house and underdress whenever possible. She also helps me shop and picks out pretty things! At first she wasn’t thrilled. It took time and lots of conversations to get to the point with it that we are now. If she really wants to be with you it will work out.