So I’ve been asked to share what being a crossdresser is like, for me at least. I’m certain that while my feelings and experiences will resonate with some in our community, still others will struggle to relate. And that’s okay. Any response that isn’t rude is welcome and encouraged.
For me, my awakening came like an unexpected flash of lightning. When I was 13, my mom suggested to me and my brother that one of us should dress up as a girl for Halloween, but for laughs, you know? And in an instant I knew that I wanted to, but I also knew in that same instant that I wanted to dress as a girl for more than just a costume, more than just a cheap laugh. I ended up wearing a wig and a denim dress that Halloween. Nothing more.
But this was 36 years ago during October in the mid 80’s. At that time is was practically a crime to be gay, so I’m not sure how bad it would have been for a heterosexual boy like myself, who was quite small and not particularly strong and robust to come out and say “I want to dress as a girl.” I’m betting things wouldn’t have gone well to say the least. It was another two years before I had another chance to wear something designed for the feminine form.
It happened by chance one day while I was home alone and doing laundry. When I was putting my wet clothes in the dryer I found a pair of my sister’s panties that she had left in the dryer. I picked them out of the dryer and held them up. Suddenly those feelings came rushing back. Seconds later I was in my room undressing, my breathing was fast and ragged. With her panties around my ankles I paused for a moment, trying to decide whether or not I really wanted to cross that line. Of course I did! I’m sure you all can imagine how I felt otherwise you probably wouldn’t be on this site reading this blog. But just in case, I felt amazing! So pretty and girly!
Over the course of the next two years, I would occasionally sneak into my sister’s room and borrow a pair of her panties. I would run back into my room, quickly put them on, then I’d…...well, you know. But it wasn’t just about sexual gratification, it was how beautiful it felt to feel so delicate and feminine. But I stopped because I also felt shame. Shame for enjoying how good her panties made me feel, for feeling like I was some freak deviant, a monster. But also shame because I’d borrowed something intimate without her permission. It would be many years before I wore panties again.
When I was 26 I dated a woman, the particulars aren’t important. What is important is that she asked to put on her panties one night. I had to play the tough macho guy initially but finally “relented”. During the three years we dated, I wore her panties many times, often without her knowledge.
In my 30’s I would occasionally buy panties and even a few bras! Oh how I loved my bras! But again the shame would come rushing back so that after owning my feminine things for no more than a couple of weeks, I’d let the shame force me to throw it all away. This happened in a vicious cycle of buy, enjoy, shame, and finally purge. And it happened again and again throughout my 30’s.
When I was 41, I moved in with my girlfriend who would later become my wife. As I was packing to move into our new place, I realized that I’d never again wear women’s clothing. Although I didn’t like that, I was okay with it since I still felt like it was wrong. It would be several years before I realized I was wrong.
At the beginning of this past June, my wife and I were having a conversation about our sex life when I blurted out that I wanted to buy panties for myself. My usual tact was not present that night. I was like a drunk playing with a hand grenade, just pulling the pin and tossing it out there to see what I hit. My wife of course had numerous and understandable questions. Was I gay? Did I want to transition? Why didn’t I tell her sooner? No I wasn’t gay and no, I didn’t want to transition but I didn’t tell her sooner because of my guilt and the stigma surrounding guys who wore women’s clothing. Cross dressers were queers, losers, child molesters and so on. And I didn’t want my wife to think of me in those terms. Can you relate to that?
We talked a while, until she was sure I had told her everything. Then to my surprise she went to her dresser and pulled out one of her nighties and had me wear it. It was thrilling to wear it and part of that thrill was from the fact that my wife was watching me. In other words, I wasn’t going behind her back.
About five days later, my wife texted me while I was at work, saying she had a surprise waiting for me under my pillow. What could it be, I wondered? Panties? A bra? Divorce papers?!? All seemed like possibilities. When I came home in the morning I made a bee line for our bedroom and my pillow. Under my pillow was a note in which she expressed her gratitude for opening up and sharing something very personal, and a bag. I opened the bag and pulled out five pairs of panties and a halter top teddy all my own! I was damned near moved to tears. My wife is very accepting and supportive and getting more so all the time. I’m very lucky to have such an amazing compassionate woman to love and to call my wife.
With her help, I’ve realized that being a cross dresser isn’t something to be ashamed of, to feel guilt over wearing and loving women’s clothing. None of us should. It’s clothing and it puts us in touch with our feminine side, our gentler and kinder aspect of our personalities. At least it does for me. We shouldn’t have to feel like we need to sulk about it like criminals in the night. We should all be so fortunate to have a significant other who is so supportive and understanding.
Since I came out to my wife, we’ve gone shopping together numerous times. Because of her kind heart, I now own three more beautiful nighties and I feel like I need more, and a cute and very comfortable nightgown and two camisoles. We’ve also gone to a thrift store and picked up a cute coral colored cocktail dress and a simple but very soft blouse that fits me like it was custom made for me.
I’ve acquired a few more things since then but that’s not really the point of all of this. The point is that I’m not some horrible monstrosity because I love how women’s clothing feels against my skin or how it makes me feel inside, and neither are any of you. I still have a long way to go before I fully accept Jill as being an integral part of who I am as a whole person, but I’m on this new journey and I’m excited to see where it goes from here!
My best wishes for all of you,
Jill
28 comments
I like your clothes in very much and I’m sure I’m going to buy some pretty soon I like I like I like
Great blog Jill. I too went through vicious cycles of purchasing thigh highs and nylons then purging and resisting the temptation to wear them.
I was so relieved to find a community that enjoys wearing pantyhose. During my childhood I dressed up for Halloween, and part of that outfit was white tights. I instantly loved putting them on. I loved how they felt and how they looked. I never understood the stigma of enjoying a piece of clothing that wasn’t “acceptable” for my gender. I am a heterosexual man who loves thigh highs and nylons. I would go through this cycle of buying some, then throwing them away, then suppressing the urge to wear then. Finally I got fed up with this cycle, bought some fantastic thigh highs from xdress and came clean to my wife. I told her I enjoy wearing these articles of clothing. She was understanding and really embraced how open and honest I was being with her. I am glad other men are expressing themselves here as well. I fish, hunt, and enjoy being a man, but I am no longer going to hide that side of me that enjoys wearing pantyhose. After all, look at old photos of men in the 17th century. Many wore white tights! Why did that go away?
Gentlemen, we aren’t freaks. We are men who have a sensitive side, and for me, wearing an article of clothing doesn’t define me nor does it stigmatize me.
All of these stories echo my own, from the young age of 4 or 5 I’ve been more attracted to women’s panties than any other clothing item. As a “straight” guy I can recall countless binge and purge sessions filled with secrecy and shame over so many years. I recently “came out” to my wife who has been very understanding and supportive, but largely uninvolved. I still feel like I’m hiding something and feeling shameful even though she washes my frilly underthings daily without batting an eyelash. This blog gave me the confidence to re-open the discussion with her and for me to try to become more accepting of my feminine side, and also hoping she will be too. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.
I love this story and long for my situation to be like all of yours that have posted. I have a understanding wife regarding my dressing in lingerie however she doesnt want anything to do with it so I do it in hiding which brings me shame and guilt knowing that I am always hiding something from her. This makes me sad and unaccepted by her. We have talked about it several times and she just isnt willing to budge or even give it a try. I am working with my therapist to deal with my feelings but even with the shame and guilt the feeling I get when I put on something pretty and sexy just takes me to another place. I want her acceptance and participation and oh my god if she ever took me shopping and helped me pick some things out it would blow my mind. These blogs give me hope and keep me from purging my large collection of bras, panties, stockings, heels, dresses, lingerie and night gowns as well as leggings and sports bras. Some day I will find this satisfaction but for now I buy what I want but have to be secretive to enjoy it. I have almost every single item from Xdress and Body Aware but I do love to shop at Victorias Secret and a few other places for my ultimate feminine stuff. Sorry for the rant but it feels really good to share my feelings and situation. Take care all
This is fantastic Jill! I’m incredibly excited for you and your SO! Supportive partners love each other through everything – including the fears of others.
Lotsa Satiny Hugs!
TA