Hannah, I am a 59 year old man who has a strong feminine side and crossed dressed secretly my entire life. My loving wife of 30 years has known about this our entire married life and accepted me lovingly. I only wear panties in front of her, never my skirts, stockings, other lingerie, or nails, lashes, and makeup. Until now, I've had time while she worked to lounge as my true self (just a man with a feminine side wearing things that make me comfortable). She just retired, and now I'm having a hard time. I know I need to communicate truthfully to tell her I need to be able to be free around her during our days, but I guess I just need some encouragement. I'm afraid, but unsure of what. Can you help? Also, you are wonderful - you need a podcast (if you have one, please tell me how to find it).
Thank you for your sweet words. I don't have a podcast but I would love to do a video talk show or something with XDress. Let them know if you want that, lol.
The first thought I have is whether or not your wife knows that you have a wardrobe beyond the panties that she sees you wear. If she does know, she probably knows that you wear them. If she has known and has lovingly accepted your adoration of panties, then she likely has wondered if your thoughts and desires have drifted towards other items, such as skirts and stockings. My perspective is that if you do share your feelings, she probably won't be toooo surprised.
If you need encouragement, well, you have precedent of her acceptance. She knows you wear panties, she sees you wear panties, and, in your words, has accepted you lovingly. I'm guessing that although she may not understand WHY you wear what you wear, she understands that this is who you are. It's normal for our partners to wonder where all of THIS is going. One day we're wearing panties, the next day we're painting our toe nails... Big changes start with small changes. Our partners usually wonder (or fear) if panties will eventually lead to transitioning.
I'm glad that you understand that you do need to be honest with her, and I think you absolutely need to be, AND I would also encourage you to be prepared for the conversations, the questions, the concerns that she will likely have. When we come out to our partners, it's likely never a one-time conversation. We don't come out ONCE. We come out with every next step we take. I came out to my wife (then girlfriend) about wearing panties. It wasn't long until I came out about wanting to wear makeup, and then again about wanting to wear clothes beyond lingerie. Every time I came out we discussed where I was heading next. I didn't always know. It was during these talks my wife would share her thoughts and her concerns and sometimes her fears. I had to ask myself difficult questions because she asked me difficult questions. Did I want to transition? Did I want to take hormones?
Over time I was able to answer all these questions. Over time my wife became secure that yes, my words synced up to what I really wanted. I've always told her that I didn't want to transition, but from her perspective it was hard to believe. And I didn't blame her. Within a year she saw me go from just wearing panties to having more dresses and stilettos than she did. It was natural for her to think that I would, well, just keep going.
It's impossible to anticipate how someone will react when we come out, but we can be prepared for the typical questions.
Be honest, be empathetic. Be kind, be gentle. This next step may be difficult for her, but it also might not be a surprise at all.
Love, Hannah
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